163 Quotes About Sex, compiled by Trevor Stone Chastity... the most unnatural of all the sexual perversions. -- Aldous Huxley Sex concentrates on what is on the outside of the individual. It's funny because I think it's better inside. -- Alex Walsh One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. -- Jane Austen When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. -- Matt Groening Were kisses all the joys in bed, one woman would another wed. -- William Shakespeare Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven. -- Mark Twain Give me chastity and continence -- but not yet. -- Saint Augustine Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy. -- Steve Martin When I'm good I'm very, very good but when I'm bad I'm better. -- Mae West My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex, she objects. -- Les Dawson I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. -- Woody Allen Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night. -- Woody Allen It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. -- Marylyn Munroe The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin. -- Honore de Balzac Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure. -- Bob Hope I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women. -- Bernard Manning. I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls. -- Groucho Marx It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it. -- Winston Churchill You know of course that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct. -- Somerset Maugham A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man. -- Mignon McLaughlin I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. -- Woody Allen There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed. -- George Burns You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. -- Emo Philips I am always looking for meaningful one night stands. -- Dudley Moore Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one. -- Woody Allen Sex is the invention of a very clever venereal disease. -- David Cronenberg Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them. -- Steve Martin The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less. -- Brendan Francis Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk. -- Andy Gibb An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex. -- Edgar Wallace My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. -- Emo Philips Writing is like making love. Don't worry about the orgasm, just concentrate on the process. -- Isabel Allende I used to be Snow White -- but I drifted. -- Mae West When choosing between evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before. -- Mae West I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now. -- Anonymous Let's forget about the six feet and talk about the seven inches. -- Mae West, on being told that a new male acquaintance was 6'7" The brain is viewed as an appendage of the genital glands. -- Carl Jung, on Freudian theory of sexuality Her kisses left something to be desired - the rest of her. -- Anonymous Flirting is the act of making a man feel pleased with himself. -- Helen Rowland Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love. -- Woody Allen Outside of every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in. -- Katherine Whitehorn I like to wake up each morning feeling a new man. -- Jean Harlow Women complain about sex more often than men. Their gripes fall into two major categories: (1) Not enough (2) Too much. -- Ann Landers Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, / Stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie. -- William Shakespeare Sex is an emotion in motion. -- Mae West It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men. -- Mae West The ability to make love frivolously is the chief characteristic which distinguishes human beings from the beasts. -- Heywood Broun I can't mate in captivity. -- Gloria Steinem, in answer to the question why she never married Nothing risqué, nothing gained. -- Alexander Woolcott I feel like a million tonight -- but one at a time. -- Mae West March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb. -- Anonymous To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it. -- Cary Grant Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset. -- Clare Boothe Luce Great food is like great sex -- the more you have the more you want. -- Gael Greene The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off. -- Jean Cocteau The worst sin -- perhaps the only sin -- passion can commit, is to be joyless. -- Dorothy L. Sayers As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients," but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian." -- Dick Wilson There is no unhappier creature on earth than a fetishist who yearns for a woman's shoe and has to embrace the whole woman. -- Klaus Kraus It is not enough to conquer; one must know how to seduce. -- Voltaire To err is human -- but it feels divine. -- Mae West Holy Mother we do believe, / That without sin Thou didst conceive; / May we now in Thee believing, / Also sin without conceiving. -- A. P. Herbert If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter. -- George Carlin Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure. -- Thomas Szasz In America, sex is an obsession; in other parts of the world it is a fact. -- Marlene Dietrich There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex... People should draw the line at goats. -- Elton John I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "no." -- Woody Allen I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. -- J. Edgar Hoover The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. -- Gloria Leonard Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful -- provided you get between the right man and the right woman. -- Woody Allen If a man is pictured chopping off a woman's breast, it only gets an R rating, but if, God forbid, a man is pictured kissing a woman's breast, it gets an X rating. Why is violence more acceptable than tenderness? -- Sally Struthers The nice thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it. -- Truman Capote Love is the answer; but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. -- Woody Allen The spirit is most often free when the body is satiated with pleasure; indeed, sometimes the stars shine more brightly seen from the gutter than from the hilltop. -- W. Somerset Maughm Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. -- Mae West "You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." -- Drew Carey Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children. -- Sam Austin Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. -- Unknown I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. -- George Burns Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist. -- Camille Paglia It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. -- Matt Barry My sexual preference is not you. -- a T-shirt Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. -- Michael Sinz The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. -- Lynn Lavner Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. -- George Burns Isn't it interesting how the sounds are the same for an awful nightmare and great sex? -- Rue McClanahan If brevity is the soul of wit, your penis must be a riot. -Donna Gephart The kiss is a wordless articulation of desire whose object lies in the future, and somewhat to the south. -- Lance Morrow Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. As selfishness and complaint pervert and cloud the mind, so sex with its joy clears and sharpens the vision. -- Helen Keller Based on my fifteen years as a practicing Masters and Johnson-trained therapist, I have put together a book which...has a revolutionary premise of its own: that lifelong committed sex has the potential to be more thrilling, more varied, more satisfying in every way than any other sexual arrangement you can think of. -- Dagmar O'Connor Sex is a body-contact sport. It is safe to watch but more fun to play. -- Thomas Szasz I like men who have a future and women who have a past. -- Oscar Wilde Fifty percent of the women in this country are not having orgasms. If that were true of the male population, it would be declared a national emergency. -- Margo St. James Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun. -- Matt Groening If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle. -- Rita Mae Brown Sex is, above all, the gift of oneself. -- Jean Anouilh To live is like to sex-all reason is against it, and all healthy instinct for it. -- Samuel Butler Sex is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. -- Robert A. Heinlein Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me. The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. Learn from you parents' mistakes:  use birth control! Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant If the effort that went into research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. The best things in the world are free -- and worth every penny of it. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. Did you ever notice that everyone in favor of birth control has already been born? -- Benny Hill I'm such a lousy lover... One day, I caught a peeping tom booing me! Sex is like a bridge game; if you have a good hand, no partner is needed. I was snatched in the prime of youth by someone who was primed in the snatch of youth! When you're feeling so low that you have to reach up to touch bottom, whose bottom you touch can make a big difference. I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small. Pizza is a lot like sex.  When it's good, it's really good.  When it's bad, it's still pretty good. I've heard of unisex, but I've never had it. -- Monty Python I object to all this sex on the television. I keep falling off! -- Monty Python Pornography is out there. Beware of geeks bearing .gifs. -- Trevor Stone As the catterpiller chooses the fairest leaves to lay her eggs on, so the priest lays his curse on the fairest joys. -- William Blake There is a problem with the pregnancy. Abort, retry, ignore? -- Trevor Stone I'm out of condoms. Can I use a sock? -- things not to say during sex, #122 Nothing is better than Sex. Masturbation is better than nothing. Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. -- Freud You cannot know what is enough unless you know what is too much. -- Lao Tse If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position. Documentation is like sex. When it's good, it's very good, and when it's bad, it's beetter than nothing. If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. Coito ergo sum. Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, and parking for the faculty. You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to get back inside. -- Heathcote Williams Kissing is a bit like establishing a modem compression. -- Paul Joannides A man's only as old as the woman he feels. -- Groucho Marx Kids in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause kids. The woman of your dreams is already in your bed, assuming you sleep in bed. I can make beautiful music on my own, thank you. -- Trevor Stone Soccer - What thrill is there in watching a sport full of men who dribble before they shoot? Whatever happened to proper ball control, that's what I want to know? -- Julian Clary Programmers try to make things smaller, faster, and with as little user intervention as possible. No wonder we can't get a date. -- Trevor Stone Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her. If Valentine's Day is the day for lovers, what's the day for single men? Why, Palm Sunday, of course. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. -- Groucho Marx Piece-of-meat vision is a male superpower and, just like Superman's X-ray vision, we can turn it on and off at will. -- Dan Savage Some people have parts that are so private they themselves have no knowledge of them. Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. -- Nietzsche Would you eat a cereal titled "Fellati-O's?" -- Aaron Medwin Jerry Falwell needs to turn the other ass cheek. -- Trevor Stone Some of our cavities are better developed than others. -- Prof. Dubson I like my women like I like my coffee -- hot. Strong. With a spoon in them. -- Eddie Izzard The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough. -- Bill Maher Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way around. -- David Lodge Humor in the Court: Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. I think marriage would be very different if, every time a couple started arguing, they took off all their clothes and jumped up and down and had the exact same argument. -- Patch Adams There are two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory. I forget the second. If a president doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. Sex doesn't make the world go 'round. Just up and down a little. I went through this phase - Am I gay? Am I straight? And then I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade? -- Margaret Cho